I have hit a crisis point and I know I am not alone. In fact I know I am very much in an audience of good company: how does the saying go? Misery loves company, and miserable I am. Why is that not okay? Why do I find myself placating total strangers through some learned politeness which knows no bounds? Why do I panic as I draft a text or WhatsApp message as to the implied meanings behind my words? Or the horrific thought of a recipient judging my words out of context? Or even within! These are words that I want and feel a need to type and yet I hesitate over hitting send. This "feeling," has been shadowing me since June now. Five long months ago I began to feel that something was up. As always I decided that it would pass and some well worn distration methods would brush any attachment away from my shadow self. It hasn't and now we are very much entwined as one. Perhaps that is okay too? Who ever said that life was all about being positive all of the time? That's not very zen. That's not very Buddhist. That's not very Dalai Llama. It is all about balance, right?
One summary reached is that if balance is the trophy then I've been relegated to the bottom league, far from touching or even sniffing distance of the golden acalade. What is actually going on? Everything currently makes me cry. Apparently my new-found whell of salty overwhelm is very much in the sharing vein and the overflowing vessel that is my skin-covered-carcass is confident to tip and spill any which way, and apparently towards total strangers. Before I uttered a lone word at her I full on ugly cried at this angel of a John Lewis partner recently. Just recounting it is making my heart race, my eye sockets pulse and my head thud. But it is good isn't it? It is... ... GOOD TO SHARE. The whole episode must have lasted thirty minutes or so. What was incredible is that SHE JUST KNEW. I used no words, she just hugged me and my 15 month old who was in my arms, the buggy tagging along at my side, and took me to sit down. She gave me a cuppa and chatted to my son. Some of the first words she said were, "We've all been there", and "I get it". If a total stranger just knows then why are we so weird about this stuff if we already have a connection?
The guy who makes your morning coffee or the girl who nods you onto your morning bus commute from behind the wheel, those people who you share a connection with but would not class as friends necessarily. The people we see daily can make all the difference to our mood and I am making it my pact to humanity that I respond as truthfully and honestly as possible from here on in. An honest answer, or question for that matter, can morph the total shape of your day. Honesty. Truth. Mindful existence. I think these are the things that will get me through this tough time. In a world where the health service is so stretched that offers of medication are made before any alternatives, we need something to cling on to, to keep us going. For me, I am READING everything and anything I can get my hands on, to change the way I think and approach circumstances. Changing the narrative of my life. Not to mention massively relying on family and friends for daily check ins. And guess what? I am pretty sure that I am not at all alone in these feelings.
Are you okay? x