Do you find yourself editing what you say and to who? Akin to automatic writing I'm trying out a new voice for myself, or shall I say, automatic speaking. Automatic writing is a therapeutic tool I have limited experience of, though the basic premise of putting pen to page and letting the letters stick themselves to the writing surface is the general jyst. You don't anticipate the words, they just appear, automatically. I'm trying out a similar technique but with speaking. Automatic speaking. It's totally new to me and I feel like I've just made it up as a form of therapy but I'm not so arrogant as to think that the bubble I live in isn't totally afflicted and affected by outside sources and therefore I've probably read or heard about it during my recent addiction to YouTube speakers and alternative therapy websites and magazines. Is this how most "normal" people interact? Without a second thought for what might tumble out of their mouths? A question I've been asking myself all week. If you stop whatever you're doing right now and think about the last thing you said out loud, to a fellow human, was it edited first? Or did you just let the good verbs (nouns, adjectives) roll? Most recently today I ordered a take away coffee, which may well be my only oral exchange with an adult until my husband gets home tonight.
How did it go? Did I edit myself? Totally. I planned my order in my head, planned my polite smile and my slightly embarrassed flush to the cheeks when I planned to pay with a loyalty voucher. The transaction went smoothly, my drink made well and the toddler behaved politely to boot. No surprises, no ad-hoc elements, nothing bad occurred. Life can be so un-noteworthy at times and I won't recall this part of my day later or in future. It was automatic really but planned out. Before this my last interaction with an adult human was this morning which caught me off guard as communication isn't a strong point in our house before 10am. I remember the conversation and I'm pondering it as the day goes on. There was no chance to plan the interaction or my responses, they just flowed. The latter has been happening so much more of late, ever since my therapeutic counciller suggested I try it. What's fascinating is I've zero clue as to what might come out of my mouth. It's like meeting myself for the first time. It's so new and primary it reminds me of making friends at school. The innocence is sweet really, although the words can be far from it, if what I'm feeling on the inside is negative it's a bit firework-y in delivery. But so much more interesting than just saying, "oh yeah I'm fine, and how are you?" What's been encouraging throughout this process is other's reactions to what I say: they have surprised me. Before, I would plan my verbal interactions and assume a fairly predictable outcome. With automatic speaking the outcome is unknown and potentially life changing. Huh. So if you're looking for a new way forward: to move on from your old self, quit worrying about how someone will react to your words and you may just well be surprised.