The last thing I remember is laughing to Romesh Ranganathan's tv show, which I'd been watching on catch up to pass the time (the horrifically lengthy, end-of-pregnancy time and the long day's wait for my elective c-section time). Even now, seeing his face, I get a jolt like when you see an estranged school friend in the street, you know how it is: you stalk them on Facebook but in real life pretend you've not seen each other? No? Just me? And it is literally that clear cut. The day I became a mum. 415pm on Thursday,26th July, 2018. Did I have a clue how to feel, how to act, how to respond to this new life?
Not one bit. Parenting? Done it all mate! As that guy from the Inbetweeners would say. Me parenting- totally fathomless (not even entirely sure what a fathom is, possibly a measurement of distance? But in this case, it's an exasperated state). But without the chewing-gum stretch of time that is new motherhood the rewards would not taste so sweet. The first time I laughed again after having my son? About 6 weeks in. The first time I felt connected to the people I know and love again? About 3 months in. The first time I did something just for me again? ... I'm aiming for that one soon. Currently it's all about the disconnect...
...'and like that, she simply forgot herself and clung onto the crest of a wave by her smallest fingernail. Because it wasn't her wave anymore. But it was her ocean of responsibility. She was the painted sealant on the hull of parenting, the buoyancy beneath the surface tension.' (Torn, 2019) I get it, I really do: that to rise from the ashes you have to hit the molten core first, but that's not the most comfortable of places to be.
