The loss of identity for new mum's is a concept I refuse to accept, and have now been refusing to accept for just over 6 months. This hasn't been a hard one for me, and I must admit, I wonder what the hell all the fuss is about, often. I mean, there you are, new mum, still you: still like the same music, the same coffee shops, the same clothes. The only difference is, the access to those things is restricted, but they still exist right?
For example, when my favourite tune comes on the car radio (the main time I get to listen to music these days) I get the buzz of pleasure, attacking my ears, even if I can't crank the volume to levels which increase the enjoyment. Or, I see my favourite people - watching spot is available, in my favourite cafe: and so, with some difficulty, the baby, the buggy, and I rugby tackle our way through inaccessible doors, queue up, order and collect a drink (and quite probably some kind of unhealthy snack because my 'health conscience', STILL hasn't kicked back in... will it ever?) before heading to the personally heralded Dream table. There's often not a lot of time to people watch because the baby needs some: conversation, silly faces pulling, feeding, the list goes on. But I get to feel like I'm achieving some of my old life. Or, I go shopping to buy pants that actually fit or leggings which actually fit or a top which actually fits: I get to peruse my favourite shops and enjoy the visual impression of fashion, whilst hunting down clothing to work with my new body. So, all of the former "me", things go on. However, they now occur in a new way, surely that's still the same as accessing the old self? I was convinced I was doing a good job at remembering who I am/ was pre- baby. But now I wonder if the opposite is true?
Maintaining writing, for me, has been a huge help for my mental wellbeing. Therefore my study journey, with the Open University has remained a stronghold for my sense of self. 6 months into this parenting journey and I decide to take a full day away (9 hours) from baby. Actually, I only allowed myself this treat due to it being studying, an activity I'm undertaking for greater, future, career prospects. As I board the train and get my book out (forgot to mention that in the opener: reading, another joy!) I get lost in its word sketches, for 20 minutes before I realise what's really happening, I'm doing something for me, just for me, just for the hell of it, and I haven't checked my phone once (or, dare I say it, thought about the baby). A wave of tears breaks over me, but I manage to keep it as a glistening eye because I'm out in public. I have really missed this. Me! I have read many articles relating to the grief aspect of this process, the leaving behind of an old personality in a way. Apparently it's often related to post natal depression. In particular, a study undertaken by the Royal College of Midwives stands out, with interesting findings, 'Some women yearned to have their former self back again, that is the self that was there before the birth of their baby.' (Rcm, 2009) Time to think on that train journey was a bit of a change in direction for me, an epiphany. I realised, I have lost myself, quite a lot in fact. But, I've actually grown in confidence, mentally at least, in bucket loads since becoming a parent. I had ZERO CLUE that this had happened until I was more than 3 hours into my baby - free, brain-cation. The emotion was amazingly Euphoric. There's me (and no doubt loads of new parents) worried about my physical figure: it's not how it was, it's not tight enough or plucked enough, or whatever, when the whole time my sense of self has only gone and gotten obese, huh. #pnd #motherhood #baby #newmum #mumbody #bodyimage #self #senseofself #identity #me #metime #trainjourney #journeyofthemind #openuniversity #study #creativewriting #maturestudent #mumstudent #future #aimhigh #brainjourney #wellbeing #mentalhealth #rcm #health #musiclover #peoplewatching References: Royal college of midwives, (2009) 'Grieving for a former self: a phenomenological hermeneutical study of women’s lived experience of postnatal depression, online (available from: https://www.rcm.org.uk/learning-and-career/learning-and-research/ebm-articles/grieving-for-my-former-self-a [accessed: 10.02.19]