Starting to think I need a Buddha sculpture to zen me during stressful times. Damn, I need something that's for sure! However, I'm not a Buddhist, so it seemed kind of crazy to get a sculpture to force some "Zen." I'm not even sure zen is directly linked to Buddhism either, isn't it something about motorcycle maintenance? Either way, I think this would be an homage to Edina Monsoon's way of thinking #Abfab #foreverafaithfulfan.
My head appears barely attached to my body at the moment. Stress is at its peak and my health visitor tells me Bb could have a cold and a rash because he's got a dust allergy. "How dusty is your house?" She asked me. How would you like me to answer that? I wondered (after blurting out, "oh god, very dusty! There's stuff everywhere and I'm a bloody cleaner, would you believe it! I don't sometimes!")
So yeah, all this while, I'm so focused on Max's education that: he'll get conversation, he will be read to, he will play with stacking blocks and other educational toys, he will attend Bounce and Rhyme, at the local library, to be well socialised and learn about numbers- "1,2,3,4,5, once I caught a fish alive...", and watch his mummy try and complete her distance learning degree. When actually, I'm totally failing at keeping his home environment safe and clean. I'm so ashamed of myself and my complete inability to do it all. How does anyone do it?
And the bed sheets (because we safely co sleep most nights/ half the night) when did I last wash them? In the dire misty fog of trying to keep us both alive, and him happy, I've forgotten (because I consider my sheets to be a selfish indulgence to attend to) to clean my sheets and actually, I realise now, he's on them every night too.
I've heard so much about happy mum happy baby... where do I even begin? Do you know how hard it is to think about yourself with a baby/ child? For even your most basic of needs to be considered? In the, what can only be referred to as, hideous-early-weeks of motherhood, going to the loo was an indulgence (shamefully I even daydreamed about the practicality of the post c- section catheter!) Eating was entirely at my mum's discretion. That sounds like a bizarre thing to say but if it hadn't been for her bountiful care packages I would've keeled over (if that's possible from the days/ weeks spent in bed, getting to grips with cluster feeding and getting to know my son).
I recall anything requiring an action being impossible,
even peeling, PEELING! I couldn't peel an orange. There were 2 in one care package, both looked delicious, they both went green by the time I found a moment to peel them. Can you imagine that?
I feel such shame in my actions, my "achievements," as a mum.
But I sit here typing this, during a heaven-sent reprieve, as Bb naps, and I've landed my favourite coffee seat in town, the 2nd time this has happened since he was born, 5.5 months ago. I sit here and I wonder (a much missed past time, wondering) about other mums. And their ability to "do it all," and I think, i would be appalled to hear a new mum say many of the things I've said above. Because just keeping a baby alive and happy is a bloody miracle and a marathon and a monumental task, requiring ALL of the time. Literally, all of it. I take my baby to the loo with me, to the shower with me, and I sing to him so he smiles and doesn't cry.
I think we need to give ourselves a break (psychologically and emotionally speaking- and if you get the chance then of course, practically too!) I will go home and dust my bedroom, clear away the detritous and wash my sheets. But probably to the detriment of eating lunch or dinner today. Isn't that bizarre, how is eating a meal a luxury to me? An interchangeable task, available to be swapped for cleaning? Why can't I do it all? P.s. at the time of writing this I have 2x uni deadlines to meet before the end of the month, 1x tax return, and to move house!! Not to mention, start Bb on solid food (nb: get a high chair, find a space- there is none- for it to live, whilst I fall into the abyss of Baby-led-weaning vs purees! Ha ha, I'll watch a comedy tonight I think, this job is bananas! #tired #stressed #mumming #flailingorfailing? #whoknows!