Does my new body define me? Is this how it will be from now on? I've never believed that expression, "you're never as fat as you think you were," until now. I keep picking up my "normal," size clothes and wondering why on earth they don't fit, why on earth they make me cry, why on earth I care sooo much!
They say (all the well- wishers that is) to look at your beautiful new baby and it just won't matter. And in the middle of the night, feeding him after 2 hours of sleep, in the dark, this is so true, and a beautiful feeling of love and acceptance. However, when dawn comes... and lights up the fat rolls and the steak red scar and the cellulite (I was one of the lucky ones who never had this until my first pregnancy), my acceptance transforms into sickening disgust, as though Dumbledore the wizard has cast an entrapment spell upon me, into my own carcass.
I consider how crazily egotistical this is of me and often find myself daydreaming (during little ones' naps) about what I felt about my body and myself whilst I was growing up, whilst I actually was chubby. It was only in my late 20s that I felt I'd attained my idea of "the dream body." But was I happy? Honestly? I couldn't decide if I was happy because I was so bloody hungry. Like, all the time. I think we all craft ourselves, our personalities at school age, I had lots of interests and hobbies. I hadn't learnt to be the thing I thought I wanted to be and there's great freedom in that innocence. I suppose once I moved out of the family home I realised I could make my diet and lifestyle as I wanted to without comment or judgement from home life influencers. I've always strived for independence and always found help really hard to accept. So the kindness of the family home and being fed well etc was a struggle (woh is me and my third world problems, body image is my ugly, guilty indulgence).
Currently, at 5 months post partum, I consider what makes me "me,"0 often. I like to write, to act dramatically in front of my baby (previously in front of siblings and cousins), to create stories in my head and to be peaceful and still but then also to be noisy and bouncy.
It's a pretty humbling experience having a baby, not least because it throws any sense of body ego straight out of the window and leaves behind the most challenging and raw display of visual merchandising in its place.
The people who have helped me through the whole thing, and continue to provide unquestionable support are (though not exclusively) the other mums I've met. There's a plethora of groups, and free groups at that, to join once you've had a baby, and they are worth their weight in baby poop! From children's centres to sling libraries (fantastic inventions and also the first place I ever discovered salted caramel doughnuts... Do it!), to singing nursery rhymes at my local library once a week. Each activity gets you moving, makes you leave the house, not only important for your own sanity but huge for babies social development too. And amongst these groups, you find pure gem stones of women. Talk to them! Talk to everyone. Because whether you like them or not all conversations lead to new thoughts and perspectives, and developing a sense of self during early motherhood is a must. It also helps to keep your focus on what's actually important and not solely obsess about body image.