I've had possibly 3 hours sleep due to routine 16-week immunisations on baby Max. True to form and exactly on the dot, 6 hours after the injections themselves the fever peaked, resulting in him waking up dramatically in fits of screams and a proper big boy cry, with new nuances just to really temper the mettle of my heart. Husband actually made an appearance (it was that noticeable!) For about an hour we tried everything: rocking, singing, cutesy nic name calling, he wouldn't even go on the boob, just like when he had the first course of these ones, at 8 weeks old. I can cope with a lot, I mean, I cry at the drop of a hat but I can be surprisingly strong when needs be but this was something else. My baby boy wasn't in there, that happy chap brimming with smiles had exited the building, replaced by a floppy, hallucinating, eye-rolling doll. Needless to say, sleep was an afterthought last night, which leads me to the photo above.
I rarely wear make up so it's usually an indicator that I've had a bad night and I'm trying to cover that fact with beetle blood red lips (I stopped doing the eyes a while back due to inevitable smudging from yawning, unconscious eye- rubs). Amusingly I got the "you look nice!" verbal shot today, which was pleasant. It's a long time since I felt attractive, just human resembling even. I realised the power of make up. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware lots of us wear make up every day and that's great and I get it, it's a fab confidence boost but... I really haven't got the energy to consider its use most days, and I also feel like if I wear it all the time then I'll just become dull and everyone will come to expect it. The truth is, i don't want to look good every day. I want the haggard days which bring the "you look nice," comments, on the days I've pulled it out of the bag.
Pre baby I literally invested 95% of my identity into my body. My figure, my thighs, stomach, collar bones, I was always aiming for skinny and looking back at photos it seems I wasn't far off achieving the ideal. But what exactly is that? Anorexic?
I remember a visit to the doctors once, aged 19? About that, anyway, it was because my mum was worried about my nutrition status. The comment from the doctor, and yes, my ego has this sketched onto its front cover- "you don't look particularly skinny. But don't lose any more weight." 9 st 2 i was that day. Well fuck me, why say that to someone who wants to be that?
Now I have this extra person amount of flesh around my middle and I can only wear 2 sets of trousers (both elasticated waistbands). So I'm turning to my best features, my lips and my hair. Let's try the distraction method for a change peeps!